As I am about to launch my model of consciousness, I am still debilitated by imposter syndrome terrified that I am a fraud. Main reason?
I could never trust myself. One day I could be cold calculated string theory anarchist and literally the next day I’m angry child scribbling on the walls with no idea why? All that is left is the unbelievable sadness that I will never understand like that again.
No two people wear the same masks.
So all of my work on Escape is not enough, is me threading a needle backwards through my life.
My consciousness hypothesis has been building all these years, a hidden mechanism running waiting for the next leap.
Last year, in the final months of my 40’s I had a late diagnosis of ADHD and Bipolar. Things changed. Over night. Everything I had ever believed of myself was a mask, the only construct I had of myself was what I had had to become to survive.
It was not an easy year. Once you truly realise how that shaped your life up to that point there is no going back.
The worst is, not a single person can truly understand. No single person has ever walked your exact same steps. No person was influenced by the world in the exact same way. No two people wear the same masks.
But there are shapes in the mist. So you not alone, you just need to drift far enough without loosing yourself.
It was a slow rebuilding process and during that process I started working on Escape is not enough. I realised, that rebuilding myself meant discarding deep bias, re-evaluate what I want, not what I am being told to want.
A small insignificant question collapsed a veil that hid bias. And as time has gone on, I’ve been disassembling all my likes, my dislikes, fears and bias every time I feel I’m brushing up against the veil.
I can explain the deeper science from the feeling, the receptors, the hormone, to brain and then into quantum mechanics..
But that is for the science bit.
Science seems to be one of my possible bipolar mania phase. Two months of the year my ADHD and Bipolar mania combine to spew out idea after idea, connect, shift, sort, seek, KNOW.
This here is me, the one that sits between the incoherent child and the brain on fire. And I had to find a way to talk to both. I chose a medium that is constant in the background. Feeling. The concepts feel exactly the same in fantasy as it does in Science and once you start translating your fantasy into science. Fascinating things start to shape.
So yea, me writing these words at this moment is a fraud. I am in processing depression phase. Not at the dark abyss yet, but circling. For now I am the one that needs to weave science into myth and then take the myth out of science. I am more of a witness of the cycle of my bipolar others, trying to keep them coherent. It is exhausting.
Speak to me again in the autumn or spring, or during a hypomania phase, be sure to bring aspirin
